We recently hosted a webinar with a select panel to discuss what it means to be a working parent, how to balance responsibilities and how best to support others. Our guests included:
Working parents are under immense pressure to achieve life balance between their career, child-care and the daily demands of life.
Webinar: Working Families
Okay, so I think we will get started. Good afternoon everybody and thank you for joining, and also welcome back to many of you who have attended our webinars from last year.
I can honestly say I did not think that we would need to run this type of webinar again after last year. However, with Covid being the gift that keeps on giving, here we are.
So, by way of introduction, my name is Matt Robinson. I am the Corporate Learning Manager for Robert Half and I have been with Robert Half for five years. I am really pleased to be joined today by our panel of Dr Philippa Spencer, Lucy Tullock, Lohan Mouton and Katy Tanner.
So by way of introduction, Philippa, can I pass to you? Do you want to give a quick introduction of yourself?
Philippa:
Yeah, thank you so much. Hello, my name is Philippa Spencer. I am a Chartered Psychologist, speaking to you from my dining room in Bath in the South West. I spent many years working in the NHS working with people affected by a range of mental health conditions. I now run my own practice and I split my time between a clinical caseload and working with organisations in the context of employee wellbeing, and I am really pleased to be on the webinar today.
Thanks, Philippa. And Lucy?
Lucy:
Hi there, my name is Lucy Tullock. I am a mum of a ten-year-old and an eight-year-old. I am also the Chair of Governors at a primary school, which I have done for about six years. On top of all of that, I am also an executive team and career coach. Today I am wearing all three hats to share with you my insights into my life over the last 12 months, my experiences of home schooling my own children, working with the school, and supporting working parents as well.
Thanks Lucy. And then Katy?
Katy:
Sorry, my mute button was not working then, so phew. Hi everyone, my name is Katy. Similar to Matt, really, thank you so much for everyone joining. We hope that you can come away with some tips, some words of solace, whatever it may be that can be useful to you. In terms of myself, similar to Lucy, I am home schooling three children, a teenager and two ten-year-olds. On top of that, I am working, I work for Robert Half and have done for coming up for almost 21 years. The last three or four have been within leadership development, and lots of these challenges of working families are coming up with the people that I am coaching. So I am really interested, myself as a parent, to hear what Lucy, Lohan and Philippa are going to be talking about too. So I hope you enjoy. Thanks.
And finally, Lohan.
Lohan:
Hi everyone, I am Lohan Mouton. I am Group Finance Director at Fever-Tree, based in London. I lead a team of about 30 people and I am responsible for all things finance in the business. I also have two small children aged one and almost five, so I am also experiencing the fun and games with home schooling and working from home, and I am really looking forward to having the chat and also learning from the other families as well.
Thanks Lohan. And again, just to say we are really grateful for your time and for sharing your views and experiences today with our attendees.
As the country navigates its way through a third lockdown, Steve Sully, our Director of the London business, asked us to run this webinar again, as he really wanted us to help and support our clients and candidates, and provide tips and tactics for anyone who may be struggling with the juggle of caring or schooling and fulfilling work commitments. So hopefully there will be some great takeaways for everyone, and we are just really pleased to be able to help.
So in order for us to gauge the thoughts and feelings of our audience today, and to tailor our conversation to reflect this, we will be running a number of polls throughout the next hour. When I launch a poll, a question will pop up on the screen. Feel free to click your answer that is most relevant to you, and then we will have a quick discussion on those poll results.
As we progress through the webinar, there may be questions that you want to ask the panel, so please submit those through the Q&A icon at the bottom of your screen. From around about 3.40 to 3.45 we will start to answer some of those questions. I will collate those and hopefully theme them and pass them through to the panellists, and we will try to get through as many as we can.
Please be assured all participation in polls and your questions are totally anonymous. Also, just to let everyone know, we will be recording the webinar so that we can share it with people who were unable to attend today.
To kick off, we are going to run our first poll. The first one is: How would you describe your work-life balance since starting lockdown three? You should see on screen the responses. You can type either: much better, slightly improved, stayed the same, not as good, or very poor.
… (poll runs)
Okay, interesting. You can see the top response there from people is “not as good”, probably expected. What do you think, Katy, was that expected?
Katy:
Yeah, I would say so definitely. I think exhaustion, fatigue, here we go again. But it is encouraging to see that quite a percentage says “slightly improved”, so whether that is the fact that we know what to do this time around. In my personal case, I would say slightly improved because I feel more confident in what is expected of me and my different roles. But yeah, I think 46 respondents saying that is probably what we would have expected.
Okay, so thanks everybody for taking part in that poll. What I am going to do now is move on to our first question.
Question 1
What is different about lockdown this time, and how would your advice to others differ?
Philippa:
Of course. Yes, it is a great question. Lockdown three is different in lots of ways. I am going to briefly touch on what is happening in our brains that might explain why it is feeling different.
If you can bear to think back a year ago, March 2020, there was loads of uncertainty around and a real sense of danger and threat. That triggered the old part of our brain responsible for keeping us safe and it triggered fear. That is normal.
That feeling of fear incentivised us to comply with lockdown one. Following the rules helped us feel safe and gave us more control. We are also a social species, hardwired to be part of a group, and our brains nudge us to conform to group behaviour. In lockdown one there was a tangible sense of collective effort.
Finally, there was the novelty factor, probably more relevant for children. The Covid lockdown had some novelty to it, being at home and not having to go to school. Over time, the danger of Covid has not changed, and you could argue it might be more dangerous with new variants, but what has changed is that our brains have adapted. We have got used to the fear and become desensitised to it, and with less fear around we are less motivated. Lockdown now feels harder. The collective effort has weakened and individuals have different perceptions of risk.
The point is that there have been big changes in our brain chemistry and they are continuing. My main advice is: be kind to yourselves and be kind to each other, because this is very hard. Stick with wellbeing behaviours where possible, but be realistic about what is possible, and allow yourself to be hopeful. We have vaccines and treatments. In our house we have a daily “hunt the good stuff”, where everyone declares three things that have gone well that day. Some people have a hope jar. Allow yourself to feel hopeful.
Thanks, Philippa. I really like that. The hope jar and “hunt the good stuff” are really good tips. Lucy, have you got anything to add?
Lucy:
Yeah, absolutely. I could not agree more with Philippa. I do not know how helpful it is to reiterate the need to stay positive. We all know that. The reality is it is really tough. Someone posted a question in the Q&A box about parental guilt. When you are trying to juggle parenting, home schooling and your job, that added pressure to be all things to all people is really difficult. It is about being realistic about what is achievable and remembering children are resilient. They need support, and being there to listen and help them express their feelings is really helpful. That sense of guilt of not doing one thing well enough is an unhelpful thinking pattern.
We also use a “worry jar” at home. For my son who is eight, in the morning we talk around the worry jar, he puts his worries in the jar, then we put the lid on it and look forward to a more positive day rather than keeping worries alive throughout the day.
Coping with parental guilt
Trying to juggle learning how to work and home can add more pressure and responsibility during a time which is already stressful enough. Lucy recommends trying to be realistic and compassionate with yourself regarding what’s achievable on a daily basis.
The best way to cope with guilt around being working parents is to remember how resilient children are. Release unhelpful thinking patterns around guilt by recognising that everyone is simply doing the best they can.
You can also connect with your child’s school and share your concerns with them, particularly if you feel you need more support in terms of daily structures.
“One of the techniques we've used at home with our children is to almost compartmentalise when we do talk about the things that are worrying us and challenging us,” says Lucy. “So, for my son who's eight, we talk about what’s in our worry jar each morning. Then we can put the lid on it and look forward to a more positive day.”
Striking the balance between work and family care
Under the current circumstances, having flexible working arrangements can help you support your family. Communicating with your employer and arranging flexible working hours can help distribute the home care workload more evenly.
“Be organised and plan ahead,” says Louan. “I book out slots in my diary a couple of weeks in advance when the kids have Zoom classes to attend.” He also recommends batch cooking, so you can freeze meals and save yourself time later in the week.
“Use the weekends wisely to properly rejuvenate and get ready for the week ahead. It's really important to try and break the work cycle. Try not to work and just focus on getting your mind and your body ready for the week that starts again.”
For Katy, the best way to cope with overwhelm is to release the idea of perfection and simply be okay with ‘good enough’. Things are tough enough without the need to strive for being the perfect parent, employee or partner.
Dealing with an uncompromising employer
Some professionals may find themselves facing the fear of being denied the flexible working arrangements they need in order to strike a manageable life balance.
“I worked for somebody quite recently who decided that in lockdown three, she just didn't think she could manage supporting her three children and working,” says Lucy. “The work we did was around building confidence about having that conversation and how she would manage it.” If your employer can’t grant that initial request, what might the compromise be? How can balance be achieved?
Louan recommends being honest and upfront with your employer and colleagues about what you can realistically deliver. “I've had to deal with these conversations myself within a team of 30 people. It’s often a case of ‘Wow, I didn't actually realise the amount of stress that individuals are under.’” You could potentially ask to be put on furlough, although this should be used as a last resort and is at your employer’s discretion.
Facing the challenges ahead
The impact of the pandemic on the public’s mental health is significant and is expected to be long-lasting. “I think we're looking at a mental health challenge beyond anything anyone on the planet has ever seen,” says Philippa.
“If we look back at SARS, and if we look back at 9/11, and Chernobyl, what did we learn from that? Well, there's one common theme from those disasters — all of them had a really significant tale of mental health needs, that continued long after the acute event had resolved.”
There’s been a spike in mental health conditions like PTSD, depression, bereavement, anxiety and disordered eating, and exacerbations for people already suffering from these. Philippa recommends vigilance regarding changes in eating, sleeping or mood, in yourself and in those around you.
“When it comes to thinking about other people, now is the time to be much more proactive than we usually might be. This is about needing to ask questions of how people are. So be bold in doing that.”
On the home front, Lucy recommends using a Blob Tree communication tool to get children talking about their feelings. “It gives you a starting point to get our young people talking and trying to find ways of helping them express what might be going on for them.”
Developing resilience
Grit and resilience are built on two key things: how we think about the things that happen to us and how we respond to the things that happen to us. Both are skills you (and younger family members) can learn over time.
“If you display resilient behaviours and thinking processes, you are role modelling those to your children. The reverse is true, too. It's important to be mindful of that. It’s exactly the same for those of you in leadership positions,” says Philippa.
To build resilient thinking skills, Philippa recommends trying to gain perspective around what you can and can’t control. Building a tolerance to discomfort is also important, as is developing a compassionate view of the world.
It’s well-known that having positive interpersonal communications, regular exercise, enough sleep and learning to be mindful can help build resilient behaviours. Philippa also recommends working to your own circadian rhythm if you can.
“We have times in the day where we know that we've got slightly more energy and times in the day where we struggle to stay awake. If you’re able to flex your work schedule, do your detailed work at times in the day that you've got the most energy and make the most of your circadian rhythm.”
Constant doomscrolling and negative social media content can counteract any resilience work you’re doing. Be mindful of how much content you consume and, if necessary, remove it from your day. “I think you just need to be mindful of putting your mind in this constant negative space and try and avoid that where you can,” Louan says.
Finding ways to keep your personal goals in sight
Whether they’re fitness goals, career goals or personal goals, the pandemic doesn’t have to take all progression off the table. Although some goals may be unrealistic under the current circumstances, you can change them or scale them back to give yourself a sense of personal achievement.
“There’s nothing more demoralising than trying to work towards something that's just not achievable,” says Lucy. “Don't beat yourself up about it, let's just find something else that we find motivation in and keeps us driving forward.” You can also try breaking your goals down into smaller ‘bite-sized’ achievements to keep fuelling your personal sense of progress.
Visit YouTube to watch more webinars or see our blog for more advice on remote working, life balance and career management.
