We recently hosted a webinar with a select panel to discuss what it means to be a working parent, how to balance responsibilities and how best to support others. Our guests included:
Working parents are under immense pressure to achieve life balance between their career, child-care and the daily demands of life.
Webinar: Working Families
okay so i think we'll get started um good afternoon everybody and thank you for joining and also welcome back to many of you who've attended our webinars from last year um i can honestly say i didn't think that we would need to maybe run this type of webinar again after last year however with covid being the gift that keeps on giving here we are so by way of introduction my name is matt robinson i'm the corporate learning manager for robert half and i've been with robert half for five years and i'm really pleased to be joined today by our panel of dr philippa spencer lucy tullock lohan mouton and katie tanner so by way of introduction philippa can i pass to you do you want to give a quick introduction of yourself yeah thank you so much so hello my name is philippa spencer i am a chartered psychologist um speaking to you from my dining room in bath in the south west so i spent many years working in the nhs working with people affected by a range of mental health conditions i now run my own practice and i split my time between a clinical caseload and working with organizations in the context of employee well-being and i'm really pleased to be on the webinar today thanks philippa and lucy hi there my name's uh lucy tullock i am a mum of a ten-year-old and an eight-year-old i'm also the chair of governors at a primary school which i've done for about six years but also on top of all of that i'm also an executive team and career coach today i am wearing all three hats to help share with you my insights uh to my life over the last 12 months my experiences of homeschooling my own children working with the school and obviously supporting working parents as well thanks lucy and then katie sorry my mute button wasn't working then so phew so hi everyone my name's katie um similar to matt really thank you so much for everyone joining we hope that you can just come away with some tips some words of solace whatever it may be that can be useful to you um in terms of myself similar to lucy i'm homeschooling three children a teenager and two ten-year-olds um and on top of that i'm working i work for robert half and have done for coming up for almost 21 years um the last three or four have been within leadership development and you know lots of these challenges of working families are kind of coming up with the people that i'm coaching so um i'm really interested in myself as a parent to be uh to hear what lucy luanne and philippa are going to be talking about too so i hope you enjoy thanks katie and finally luan hi everyone so i'm laura maton um i'm group finance director at fever-tree and based in london i lead a team of about 30 people and responsible for all things finance in the business i also have two small children age one and almost five so i'm also experiencing the fun and games with homeschooling and working from home and really looking forward to to having the chat and also learning from the other families as well thanks lauren and yeah again just to say we're really grateful for your time and for sharing your views and experiences today with our attendees so as the country navigates its way through a third lockdown steve sully our director of the london business asked us to run this webinar again as he really wanted us to help and support um our clients and candidates you know provide tips and tactics for anyone who may be you know struggling with the juggle of caring or schooling and fulfilling work commitment so hopefully there'll be some great takeaways for everyone and we're just really pleased to be able to help so in order for us to gauge um the thoughts um the feelings of our audience today and to also bespoke our conversation to reflect this we'll be running a number of polls throughout the next hour um so when i launch a poll a question will pop up on the screen just feel free to click your answer that's most relevant to you and then we'll have a quick discussion on those poll results but also as we progress through the webinar there may be questions that you want to ask the panel so please just submit those questions through the q and a icon that should be at the bottom of your screen and from around about 3 40 3 45 we'll start to answer some of those questions so i will collate those and hopefully theme them and pass them through to the panelist and we'll try and get through as many as we can but please be assured all participation and polls um and your your questions that come through to us you know they are totally anonymous so you can submit those um and be anonymous to us um also just to let everyone know we will be recording the webinar um so that we can pass this to people who were unable to attend today so um to kick off we're going to run our first poll so i'm just about to launch this on screen just give me one second um but the poll that we're running the first one is how would you describe your work life balance since um starting lockdown 3 so you should see on screen the responses you can type in either much better it could be slightly improved whether or not your work-life balance has stayed the same um not as good or very poor so i'll just leave that poll open for um about another 10 seconds we've had quite a few people voting on that you can see quite a lot coming through so i'll just leave it open for a few more seconds and i'm going to end the poll now and then i'm going to share the results with all of you and the panel so can you all see those results everybody yeah i think you can see those can't you so okay interesting um you can see obviously the top response there from people is not as good probably expected i don't know what you think katie think that was expected yeah i would say so definitely um i think exhaustion fatigue here we go again um but it is encouraging to see that you know quite a percentage of says slightly improved so whether that's the fact that we've um we know what to do this time around so in my personal case i would say slightly improved because i feel more confident in what's expected of me and my different roles um but yeah i think 46 respondents saying that is probably what we would have expected okay so thanks everybody for those uh for taking part in that poll what i'm going to do now is move on to our first question so question number one that we have is what is different about lockdown this time and how would your advice to others differ so philippa if that's okay can i come to you first on that of course yes it's a great question this lock down three is different in lots of ways i'm going to very very briefly touch on actually what's happening in our brains that might explain why it's feeling different so if you can bear to think back a year ago march 2020 or a little bit less than a year ago there was loads of uncertainty around and there was a real sense of danger and threat so that was our reality then and what that did was that triggered the old part of our brain that is responsible for keeping us safe and it triggered us to feel fear um and that's normal and that's its job so and your brain's job is to keep you safe so whenever we feel fear that's because danger is about and that was true of both adults and children so that happened and it was that feeling of fear that incentivized us to comply with lockdown one following the rules helped us to feel safe and it gave us more control the other thing is that we're a social species um we are hardwired within our brain to be part of a group because we're safer when we're in a group and what our brains do is that they nudge us to conform to group behavior so in lockdown one there was the very very tangible sense of collective effort so everyone wanted to comply and not be ostracized so our brains were doing that too and then finally there was the novelty factor probably more relevant for children if you think about a child with a new toy and that's very exciting well the kobe lockdown one had some novelty to it and perhaps you know being at home not having to go to school so again that was our brains kind of engaging us with lockdown one and then over time the danger of covid has not changed and in fact you could argue that it might be slightly more dangerous with these new variants but what has changed is that our brains have adapted we have got used to the fear and we've become desensitized to it and with less fear around we are actually less motivated so lock down now feels harder it's just harder work the collective effort has weakened so individuals now have perceptions of their own individual risk so the group has fragmented so our brain doesn't know which way to nudge us now and the novelty has truly worn off um it never takes long and um i think everyone i speak to says that the novelty factor wore off very quickly so the point i'm making is that there have been really big changes in our brain chemistry and they're continuing to change you know we're upside down here um all of our brain chemicals are all over the place because of the challenges of covid so my main advice is um be kind to yourselves and be kind to each other because this is very very hard um stick with your well-being behaviors i'm not going to start telling you you've got to exercise and do mindfulness because you know all that stuff but be realistic about what's possible and allow yourself to be hopeful we've got vaccines we've got treatments in our house here we have a a daily hunt the good stuff everyone has to declare three things that have gone well that day some people have a hope jar so allow yourself to feel hopeful um and i guess that that would be my main advice lock down three so slightly different now thanks philippa i really like that um the hope jar won't declare the good stuff and everything that's a really good tip thank you for that uh lucy have you got anything to add yeah absolutely i couldn't agree more with philippa you know i don't know how helpful it is to to reiterate the need to stay positive you know i think we all know that i think the reality is that it is just really really tough and um somebody posted in the in the q a box a question i just thought i might touch on in answering this about parental guilt right now when it feels really tough and you're trying to juggle parenting and homeschooling and your job you know that added sense of pressure and responsibility to be all things to all people is really difficult but as philippa says you know it's about being realistic i think about what is achievable and really remembering our children are really resilient and they will need support and they will need to help and being there to listen to them and help them talk and express how their feelings going to be really really helpful but that sense of guilt of not doing one thing well enough is an unhelpful thinking pattern and if we can shift that to um recognizing that we're doing the best that we can that whilst they're at school if they're going into school for a few days and they're being kept safe and they're thriving in that space but also when they're at home they need to feel love and they need to feel safe and there are some really small but key elements to making them feel good and we and as philip said we need to do a little self-care we need to respect the fact that we are doing the best that we can we can do um in terms of relationships with with schools um you know the schools are doing as much as they can but again they they are challenged by what they what they can do um and i think there's something about having a relationship with school as well to share your concerns and your worries if you want more support in terms of looking after your children at home but i think the sentiment i'm getting in in my business practice is this feeling of um finding the small positives you know looking for things in the future that we can celebrate and one of the techniques we've used at home with our children is to almost compartmentalize when we do talk about the things that are worrying us and challenging us so for uh for my son who's eight it's the morning we talk around our worry jar he puts his worries in the jar and then we can put the lid on it and we can then look forward to a more positive day rather than having to go back into those worries all the time and keeping them alive throughout the day so that's a really useful technique that's worked for us thanks so much lucy and again you know great advice i think that talking with the children i think is really important you know i didn't forget to mention i've got two children myself and i do find you know talking to them you know as if they're grown-ups you know talking about the you know what's happening everything it does really help as well so thank you for that um okay going to move on to question number two now um and that is what are you doing personally to manage the balance of home schooling or family caring but also your professional life as well so um lowan if i could come to you on that one first if that's okay yeah perfect so um more on the practical side what am i doing to balance these um different aspects of life so first and foremost i try to be as flexible as possible with my work so having open communications with my employer the team or manager to just be able to work flexible hours where possible probably the first twin um they'll give me enough um you know time to to spend with family um also when i say you know to be organized and plan ahead is probably really important um you know i book out slots in my diary a couple of weeks in advance when the kids maybe might have zoom classes to attend so make sure that that coincides um another another example of personal life is when we usually do cooking we cook for more than the amount of people we are so we can freeze a bit of meals to save a bit of time in the week um and i'd say you need to give time um and maybe get a get up a bit earlier for me it's it's not really a choice you know with two very young kids and also a cat that's quite early starter so we get up early anyway but i support by doing a bit of drop and pickups as well with nursery or alternating with my wife and then whoever's not doing the drop of a pick up and spend that time before work maybe uh doing a bit of homeschooling before the professional life starts for the day um another thing is you know reprioritizing so there's a lot of things that's important in our lives um you know but you need to be realistic about what you can achieve you know it's basic things like potentially cutting down exercise from you know every single day in the week to maybe one or two days a week and saves a bit of time and then lastly the uh you know using the weekends wisely to actually properly use it to rejuvenate and get ready for the week ahead it's really important to try and break the work cycle so if you can avoid it by all costs try not to work and just get your mind and your body ready for the week that starts again that's great thank you lauren some really good advice there and katie anything else that you'd like to add um i think i'd echo really pretty much what luann said i think the three things for me i think you are constantly re-prioritizing you know within the day you think you've sorted the morning out and things happen i think absolutely organization is my savior so i feel overwhelmed when i feel i'm rushing or if i'm rushing the children or from rushing a work call so for me organization really helps stop that feeling of overwhelmingness and you know what philippa was talking about with the um the brain chemistry you know that's when i notice i can feel it in my body and it's almost like you've got to find your your moment of calm whether it's to breathe make a cup of tea go out and walk around the garden whatever it might be it doesn't always have to be anything big but i know from me i can sense that feeling of overwhelmness when i'm rushing and i think what lucy was saying you know we are in the middle of a pandemic no one has had to homeschool work and do all the things that we're doing i think this time for me it feels better because good enough is good enough and i keep telling myself that you know we have to let go of that idea of perfection whether it's work home parent wife whatever it is and i think that you just got to do your absolute best and you know it's like a pendulum it swings one day more in favor of work another day more favor in terms of your children or even yourself and i think it's being okay with that and being comfortable with that um and knowing what your stresses are we all have certain things that irritate us you know whether it's being constantly interrupted or um whatever it might be i think we also if you know your stressors you can actually be more aware of it and protect yourself a little bit more whether that's energy boundaries whether that's rules within your house and i thought it was a great thing what philippa said i think rules give safety they make everyone kind of know what to expect um but those are probably the things that i try to do every day i don't do it every day today some of those things didn't happen in our house but we tried um and we have to be okay with that that's great katie and yeah i concur with you you've told me before good enough is good enough at this time okay that's great advice thank you for that um so moving on to our next question uh question number three is all about how do you approach your employer if they are not proactively supportive with your situation so lucy can i come to you with that one first yeah absolutely um you know it's that happens to me to think that an employer right now in the global pandemic wouldn't be but i but i also recognize and appreciate that businesses um have their own needs and their own worries and their own concerns um so i think there has to be a balance the thing that i've observed in my coaching practice is a fear around having a conversation with an employer so it's that fear of them saying no to the idea that you might need some time away some more flexible working so there's that fear about having the conversation and hearing no um there's a fear about making a suggestion about what you might need so i worked with somebody quite recently who decided that in lockdown three she just didn't think she could manage supporting her three children and working she had a fairly well structured and well planned approach to it in lockdown one and two around her hours of working but i think the pressure was getting too much and i think she recognized what was best for her and we had a conversation around whether or not she could or should approach her her employer to talk about it and i think the work that we did was around building confidence about having that conversation and how she would manage so perhaps the employer said i i can't say yes to the initial request so what's the compromise what are you prepared to do and i think there is a balance to be had there may be compromises that we both have to make as as employee and as an employer and so i think it's just recognizing that sometimes it's our own fear that holds us back from being able to have those conversations and it's the fear of what might happen but generally speaking i would have said the realistic or the reality of it is that there is a conversation to be had and quite probably um a compromise to find that works for both employer and and business owner thanks lucy and lowen have you got anything to add to that yeah um it's it's a it's a difficult one in general and you know to be you know honestly it's not one i've personally experienced i mean with fever tree we've been companies been very accommodating an understanding of people's personal circumstances and stress in this environment um either i'd say honest to be honest with your team and stakeholders but what you can realistically deliver what you can't is probably the the most important aspect of it um and i also think uh you know to lose this point once you get the courage and the confidence to have that conversation you might be quite surprised that you know they were considerate but they just weren't understanding or taking initiative to really understand your specific circumstances it's also yeah i've had to deal that deal with with these conversations myself as well within the team you know three people so um and yeah often it's a case of wow i didn't actually realize the amount of stress that individuals are under so you know once i realized that you know i also made you know changes and and did a bit more self-searching myself and and trying to get better understanding about each individual's circumstances um i think you can though ever also just draw the line between work and personal life uh by agreeing you know that over time and long hours won't be possible and just making that statement quite clear i don't think it's unreasonable um uh to request that at all and you know often you know contracts you want to play the legal card worst case scenario you know there is often statements around it's not required if that's possible um and then just more on a technical point you can also ask your employer to be furloughed um that would obviously be at their discretion but that is potentially a last resort you can also consider thanks again thanks so much lauren some great advice there as well so i'm gonna go on to our next poll if that's okay i'm gonna launch the poll now so just bear with me one second um let's go to poll two um so this question is how would you describe your well-being since starting lockdown three so again the responses you have here are the much better is it slightly improved has it stayed the same is it not as good or would you consider it to be very poor so again lots of people responding at the moment so i'll leave this open for about another 10-15 seconds just to see what people have selected okay and most people have selected something nice so i'm going to now end the poll and i'm going to uh share the results with the panel so again so well being since starting lockdown 3 okay it's a lot higher here with not as good um you know some people slightly improved stayed the same um philippa if i can come to you on that what are your thoughts on the results there it makes me feel very sad but it doesn't surprise me at all that we're seeing that kind of scatter particularly that very low number on on much better i'm delighted for those people who are feeling much better that's great to hear but yeah this doesn't surprise me at all okay i'll just stop sharing those results here we go and um if i can move into question four which is on the similar topic um which is the longer the pandemic lasts what are the likely mental health challenges and what should we look out for so again philippa i'm going to come to you on that first if that's okay thank you matt this is a million dollar question and certainly in the area i work in you know we really don't know yet i heard somebody describe covid as the perfect storm of awfulness and you know for me that is a you know it's dreadful but it's a good description all areas of our lives um have been affected from our health to our jobs to our finance to education to relationships and the steps needed to reduce covered infection also reduce our mana our ability to manage our mental health so social distancing not being able to do the things that normally keep us well so it really is a perfect storm and i think we're looking at a mental health challenge beyond anything of anyone who is alive on the planet and has been for a while has ever seen i think it's important to look back at historical events so if we look back at stars and if we look back at 9 11 and chernobyl what did we learn from that well there's one common theme from those disasters all of them had a really significant tale of mental health needs that continued long after the acute event had resolved so what's the current thinking around covid what we're expecting is a very long mental health tale we're already seeing a big spike in new diagnoses of mental health conditions and we're also seeing exacerbations um in people who are already suffering from them so the things i'm talking about here are anxiety depression ptsd complex bereavement eating disorders self-harm so we're seeing all of that this is this is affecting everyone from the tiniest to the oldest um so children infants you know we're seeing symptoms um and even you know all the way through across the age spectrum so no one is escaping this um i think it's also important to highlight that covert has shown us also how resilient we are so i don't want it all to be bad news but i think we really do need to engage with the fac the fact that the mental health challenge i think is going to be enormous um what do we look for um my answer is the same as it would be any time we look for changes we look for changes in ourself if we're looking at our own mental health and we look for changes in others um what are we looking for changes in all domains your mood your appetite your sleep your concentration your thoughts your behaviors appearance any clues at all i think thinking about other people now is the time to be much more proactive than we usually might be um this is a this is about you know just needing to ask questions of how people are so so be bold in doing that um kind of there are real particular considerations for infants and children and adolescents they present slightly differently we probably don't have scope for that right now but if anyone wants kind of tips as to the sorts of things to look for in terms of mental health problems in in those little of people then um perhaps perhaps we could help with that another time but just just to be mindful that nobody is going to get away with this um in in in different ways we're all going to be affected um thanks for that philippa thanks so much um lucy do you have anything to add yeah well yeah i was just going to build on some of the things that philippa said particularly around children's behavior because as a parent and as a working parent you know when when our children play up um i think it's important to remember that children don't set out to um to be naughty then that's not what they're trying to do often they're trying to tell us something and i think that's that's a that's a nice place to put your mind that your child isn't trying to ruin your day and make it more challenging than it is you know what is it that they're trying to tell us and having different strategies to help them talk i think is one useful way of doing it and i can share with you matt afterwards a um a diagram called a blob tree and it's a it's an a4 drawing i think you can you can get it online i think there's a free version that you can you can get you can download it and it's a tree with lots of blob shaped people so they've got no features but they're doing lots of different things in and around this big tree and i've found it to be really helpful as a tool to get my children talking and i've used it in adult environments i've taken it into businesses and i've used it around a board table looking at management and leadership development it's a way of helping people to express around something it's very simple and it gives you a starting point to have a conversation to get to get our young people talking and trying to find ways of helping them express what be what might be going on for them it is about observing you know what are the changes in their behavior you know what are you noticing um within within adults within the working environment i will often explain to clients to look out for those people who might normally have been your lively outgoing gregarious you know the real sort of joker and the pack employer employee who's actually started to be quite quiet and perhaps hasn't been talking as much you know on a zoom call that you might normally expect and expect and vice versa and it's those sorts of observation observations and i'm really just reaching out to them it's not it's about starting the conversation um i worked on a project for a huge global business a couple of years ago and their whole programme was about noticing if the person next to you is not okay and having the tools and techniques just to be able to start a conversation and i think that connection right now is more important than it than it's ever been um and i think if if you're interested understanding a little bit more about supporting children and there's mia kel mapringle who in 1975 has set out a really great structure for helping us to understand what our children need to to thrive um around love and safety and new experiences and responsibilities and praise and recognition and they are again really useful tools to be able to help you manage some of those mental health challenges thanks lucy and just to point out i think i'll mention it again later but there will be some a handout that we'll send out um post this webinar which has a lot of um information on the references that the panelists have referred to today so i'll make sure that gets sent out afterwards so thanks for that philippa and lucy i'm going to move on to question number five now which is all about how we can increa so how can we increase or develop more grit and resilience in our children and ourselves and also any tips that you can share on how we can you know build stamina and energy to keep us going through this time um again philippa i think i'm going to continue on that one yeah thank you so so um let's think about grit and resilience um this this is built on two key things um you know how we think about the things that happen to us and then how we respond to the things that happen to us so you know how we behave um the great news is that these are all learnable skills um and they're the same skills for adults and children we just need to make them age appropriate for those of you who are parents the good news is that if you display resilient behaviors and thinking processes you are role modeling those to your children the reverse is true too and so it's just important to be mindful of that and as leaders those of you in leadership positions it's exactly the same if you role model resilient behaviors and thinking styles that will rub off on your teams and your staff so so what are the actual things i'm talking about here so the thinking the resilient thinking skills you'll know all of these um gaining perspective so wide of you seeing things in context recognizing what you can and can't control only investing in the things that you can control um trying to build some tolerance for discomfort because discomfort is part of life we don't have to always avoid it we need to sometimes tolerate some of it being open and curious about the world that's probably very easy when we're children gets harder when we become adults developing a compassionate view of the world so all of those are very classic uh resilient skills in terms of how we think what about our behaviour these are the kind of really well researched and well evidenced ones having sufficient social connection it doesn't have to be a lot if you're more introverted but have it feeling there are people there having a positive interpersonal communications and encounters good quality exercise enough sleep well celebrate your achievements develop gratitude that's back to kind of the hope jar and hunt the good stuff learn to be mindful and present so noticing the small stuff so those are your resilient behaviors you do those you will be building resilience and we can apply those all to children as well just a few comments on stamina um we all have a circadian rhythm um so it all of us will have a slightly different circadian rhythm but generally we have times in the day where we know that we've got slightly more energy and times in the day where we struggle to stay awake if you're able at the moment to really flex your work schedule so you're doing your detailed work at times in the day that you've got the most energy you're basically making the most of your circadian rhythm um try to take breaks through the day most people can only concentrate for 90 minutes if you just keep plowing on the quality of your work will be poor but if you stop for even five or ten minutes and kind of recover i don't know do a star jump sit and have a cup of tea um go for a walk around the sitting room whatever you do you're then kind of refreshed in terms of your stamina and i really would like to talk directly to leaders out there um lauren has mentioned this but flexibility you know people are exhausted at the moment all of us are exhausted in one way or another um if you're able to be flexible with your staff with your schedules then you'll really really be helping people in terms of stamina so i really encourage that thanks phillippo and lo and if you'd like to just have your comments on that please yeah sure um a couple of good points to fill up arrays uh firstly i just want to echo what you said about the um you know children that learn how learn from how you react and you building your resilience um think about young children like mine uh you know i try to be she's not even five yet but i try to be open and transparent with him as well just make make her understand the situation and you know i'm not trying to sugarcoat it um but she's quite understand she understands quite well about the situation we're in but she also really knows that it's temporary and i think that's really important if the kids know that it's not permanent they've got something to look forward to it will pass it will get better she will have school again she will see her friends and grandparents and family again that that really that really resonates with her and i can you know i can see how she's constantly talking about you know i mean covets finished we will do this we will do that it gives him something to look forward to um the other um good point was about the rhythm uh i had a quite a long chat with the team about this actually a couple of weeks ago as we entered the new year and a lot of the time you might not feel that it's necessary to get up from your seat and do a bit of exercise and just get that stamina back but it is important you stick to it even if it's just for a few minutes just to get a bit of energy back in your in your day um i'm not talking about you know go for half marathon sprint around the um around the park it's just even if it's just 10 minutes just to get up get going move around um with with my uh children you know i always try to do a fun activity as well with them over the weekends so they can just look have something to look forward to and that's normally you know in the week i often get comments around you know daddy will do this over the weekend so it helps them again look forward to to something in the weekend um on the personal side um i do make sure i carve out a bit of time for myself in the day as my wife as well often that's quite difficult but again i think it's quite necessary even if it's just half an hour you know i keep thinking about um that situation when you're in the airplane and they're about to announce the safety procedures and you buckle your seatbelt and they always tell you that you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help the fellow best passengers that's really important you know it's important to look after yourself first before you can actually help others um i mean you know lastly uh i also find myself especially with the previous lockdown you know spending a lot of time on the news and reading a lot about um a lot of different opinions on covert and many doomsday messages as well that really puts you in a negative state i'm not trying to downplay the severe impact covert has it is obviously quite severe i think you just need to be mindful not to try and put your mind in this constant negative space and try and avoid that where you can find i find quite useful as well that's great thanks lauren thanks for that some great um advice there so i'm going to move on now to our final poll um which is poll number three to spare with me while i um find that one for us i'm going to launch that poll so um how would you describe the overall well-being this time it's of your family okay since starting lock down three so again is it much better is it slightly improved has it stayed the same is it not as good or is it very poor so again i'll just leave it open while we have people um selecting their options again a lot of people voting here give it another couple of seconds i'm going to end the poll uh now and just going to share the results of the panel again um i don't think we'll be surprised by this obviously the well-being on ourselves now we're looking at well-being of our family again not as good being the um highest one that was selected again are we surprised by this philippa no really not surprised at all there's a lot of pressure on families so not surprised okay okay thank you for that i'm going to stop sharing those results and i'm now going to move on to our next question so question number six how are you keeping yourself and your team and your personal goals alive um i'm going to come to um lucy on that one thank you matt so yeah this is interesting isn't it when um when we're struggling to get the motivation and the drive to keep going towards goals so those could be your professional goals they could be your personal goals in terms of fitness and well-being things that you might normally have felt quite motivated to do i think there's something about being realistic and i think it's been mentioned a few times already this afternoon that this situation is so unusual i think we just have to be kind to ourselves but what is realistically achievable if that means changing your goals um then then change your goals there's nothing more demoralizing than trying to work towards something that's just not achievable um so keeping them realistic and achievable i think many people will be familiar with the acronym around smart so specific measurable achievable realistic and time-bound so i think there is something about going back and re-uh revisiting them um they may need to be shifted to make them more purposeful and meaningful in the context of the situation that we find ourselves in now and so so don't beat ourselves up about it let's just find something else that we find motivational and keeps us driving and motivated towards achieving things and i think it's the same for children i've seen them on the chat a number of questions about you know keeping children engaged it's really difficult i think one of the questions was around a four-year-old i mean they're so little they're so young i think my advice and i think if i was to put my governor's hat on and speaking sort of on behalf of a school i think the most important thing is that those children are happy i think there's nothing worse than hammering away at this goal to complete some kind of exercise i think it is about you know making it fun short bursts and keeping them engaged for a shorter period of time and then not laying any guilt on if that that piece of work or that exercise you do with them is only sort of 20 minutes long i think it's about being practical and realistic um yeah i think that i think that's the sort of goals in the nutshell be realistic you know be prepared to change them uh make sure they're engaging um and apply the same to your children thanks lisa that was excellent and lower anything else to add to that yeah very similar to to lucy actually um just went through the last few weeks with my team as well um around the last year looking at all the you know achievements and also 21 goal setting and it was um it's quite challenging actually and i was quite forceful actually in in bringing across a message that you know it's a bit unrealistic with some of them have put on there and i think that's really important to to make sure it's a realistic goal to achieve you know you can always recalibrate later on in the year depending on how the year unfolds and you know we hopefully achieve a positive result um but i think it's just about being realistic about what's achievable you know and setting expectations not too high um on a personal level probably similar story really um trying not to make two concrete goals or plans really that's date dependent in 2021 um it's almost like a booking.com um booking where you make sure it's cancelable um and yeah i'll see how the year develops really but what i do find useful though is you might have a big goal or objective to achieve this here is breaking it into small bite-sized chunks and it also gives a good fuel feel good factor you know when you achieve those and and it's just a bit more realistic thanks lauren again some great tips i i'll go back to what katie was saying earlier for myself it's like good enough is good enough at this time you know we can revisit this maybe in three months time to look at my personal goals and everything but good enough is good enough as well so yeah thank you for those um and our final question before we move on to our q a because we do have quite a few questions that have come through so um what does the future look like for you what will you now do differently and what will you want to go back to and i'm going to sort of open that to all of you so um katie i don't know if you'd like to start on that one um i think for me i think the habit of not trying to do more all of the time i'm definitely gonna try and you know for me that's been a silver lining from the pandemic um you know always having your diary full i don't know if anyone else is the same you get a new diary every year and i've not got anything in my work diet i'm someone who likes to have holidays planned this i've got a diary that's hardly full and for me that's actually quite an uncomfortable place but on the same side it has made me focus more on the present i think philippa spoke about gratefulness the hope jar um and they are really simple things but they do make you focus on today not tomorrow or yesterday and i think for me that's been a huge learning and i think that does help cultivate resilience and grit in your children because as we can show them how to manage change and ambiguity with i guess less fear and sadness that can only be a good thing um the only question i would just add and i noticed on here someone just wrote a question about teenagers because a lot of advice we've probably given is for younger children i've got a teenage daughter she's 13 and it is different it's very different with her than it is my 10 year olds and there's a couple of things i would say i think you've got to pick your battles i think you've got to focus on the things that you're absolutely going to make sure they do from a school perspective it is so soul destroying seeing them on their screens with their friends every day you know they've got their phones they're so desperate to communicate and i definitely have noticed there's less interest this time around from her um but for me i think picky battles like this afternoon um there was a lesson she said mummy i'm really tired you might have went dude absolutely fine she's been brilliant all week why not um i think asking the questions you don't want to hear the answers to i think again i don't know if it was philippa or lucy but being bold about those questions and asking them when you get the right moment whether you're walking with them whether it's whilst you're making supper together it could be really simple things but being bold and really asking maybe some of the questions you don't want to hear the answers to about how they really are feeling um i think reach out to your school i think lucy mentioned that again do recharge your school they are there they will speak to them individually whether it's a pastoral there's so much um knowledge and resources out there to help you don't feel alone on that would be and i think just spend time with them in which any way they will let you spend time with them um you know my daughter's an avid fan of tiktok so if it's you know finding the new tick tock dance and having to watch it or try and do it whatever it might be i think taking those um taking those moments with them but i think it is different you're absolutely right but i think they've got to dictate the pace rather than us and that's really hard if you are a working parent because you're probably working to a timetable you're typically probably a type a personality but i think they've got to dictate the pace whereas with younger children you are more in control you know so i hope that answered the question about just teenagers sorry matt that was a bit long no that's okay because obviously that was one of the questions that has answered hopefully it has answered for the person who asked that as well so thank you i'm going to come to lucy next um i think that um one of the things i thought might be useful to share because it's something that we've become really aware of is you know what are our drivers what are the things that um that uh are sort of like the motivations behind what we do and the thing that i've started to realize that i have a hurry up driver so when i'm trying to help the kids with their home school and they are painfully slow i mean it drives me crackers because i just think oh i need to be able to get on i want to get this piece done then they can do it on their own then i can get back to work so i think knowing what your drivers are so that you know what's going to push your buttons is something that is going to be really helpful for me to be more aware of perhaps include a bit more like in my coaching practice and those are sort of hurry up drivers so they still need to keep going all the time because actually right now that's really hard it's not sustainable it's not realistic either um perfectionism so that's an overwhelming feeling of it's just got to be right and actually you don't have the capacity for things to kind of feel like they're not working and again that's just not helpful it's just not realistic so being able to recognize it in yourself and give it a name so that you feel that you're a little bit more in control of it and again it's about being kind to yourself about what is really achievable people pleasing so i think this comes up um i hear it sort of within a school context where parents want their children to get on with their homework and get their work done because they think it's going to make the teacher happy and if their child doesn't do it there's this oh gosh my child hasn't you know completed all their home school i mean i you know my experience of working within a school environment um is that actually there are things they would love to see to be able to keep an eye on progress but actually they are more interested in the well-being of that child or those children and to be able to support you in achieving it so you know if you are a natural people pleaser just like being really conscious of how that might be showing up in how you're managing every day being strong might be another driver you have like you just can't allow the cracks to show and again i think right now we have to really accept that we've all got lots of cracks we are human and you know this is not an easy time um and again i guess the last one might be instead of a try hard and i've got to do more got to do got to do more and we've already touched on it we're all exhausted we're all you know really fatigued and if you've got a try harder driver you know recognizing it and finding mechanisms to just slow it down because uh you know it's it is time to um try and get a balance with all of these things so for me i was drawn to those as a way of recognizing what i might need to do to help myself going forward but also recognizing where it's it's had a negative impact in the past thanks lucy and then i'm just going to pass the low and before we move on to the q and a because i'm mindful of time if that's okay low and just yeah um i'll keep it short um i guess the you know first part what have i learned over the last 12 months is probably how important the work life balance really is um you know and to katie's point as well you know how resilient we can actually be um and lucy also mentioned something valuable now as well which is um you know knowing yourself and which buttons to push or not to push you know i've definitely learned to be a lot more patient the last 12 months that i've ever been before um looking forward i think i'm quite excited actually because i think coverts uh you know as obviously majority of the impact's been quite negative but one of the positive impacts that we can say that um has been kind of nudged it's it's given towards digital evolution um so you know that impacts many different facets of life um obviously professionally a lot but also i think there'll be lots of good things coming out of it over the next 12 months that might you know help rebalance your professional and work life as well and be able to save time really be more efficient so you can you can spend more time with the family and and personal so i'm quite looking forward to that though um yeah thanks lauren thank you very much um okay so i'm going to move on to our q a because like i said we've had quite a number of different questions um that people have sent through so i'm going to try and um identify this we've had a couple actually and i'd quite like to know about this one as well um mobile phones games online gaming etc you know a lot of our children are you know playing on the tablets etc and you know aggression after playing the games can be quite high so even though we're trying to regulate game time and controls you know we still find that there's aggression is there anything that we can do there to sort of take that away apart from just saying no no tablet time no game time philip i'm not sure if you've got any advice on that one i don't know if i really am well um place to answer that i myself don't have a have kids so it's not something i've ever had to battle with i battle with my greyhound to get him to give me my tennis ball back that's not going to help uh could i pass that along maybe to lucy absolutely that's fine yeah yeah um i think that there are times when it's important to remember as parents that we have rights and our children have rights so that's um that for me speaks to boundaries and about staying safe and being able to have a conversation with with a you know a teenager to get them to recognize or help them to see what happens so it's around language as well i am noticing that when you play this game for one hour afterwards you are hyper it's quite disruptive but i noticed that when you are having time with the telly or you only do it for half the period you know it's it's a bit more manageable it's about having a positive use of language to help them see that there's a correlation now i know i can say to my son no you're not going back on the ipad again and you know you get this sort of whinge and whining you know it's just guilt and and actually but as a parent we do have rights and needs of our own and i think putting some boundaries around that i mean we know that being the parent makes you unpopular a lot of the time with your teenagers but actually it is about safety and it is about um creating a space that's safe and and okay for everybody and you know i'm not sure i'm not an expert in saying whether they should or they shouldn't be playing it or what games they should be playing but i think there is something around isolating the time that they can do it that works for us and works for them thanks lucy thanks so much um another question that's come in um do you have any advice for people seeking work or a new job um how are you going to address the question around flexibility and parenting home schooling without compromising your commitment to perform the job so um i don't know katie do you want to pick that one up sure i mean it i mean it's a great question um it's a difficult question to answer because i think it really does depend on the employer as much as you but my advice would be i'd be open and honest from the outset about your own boundaries what you can and can't commit to so there's no surprises let's say on both parties but equally i think flexibility um in a normal situation not in a pandemic is something that's probably earned rather than maybe necessarily given right at the beginning but i think in the pandemic or the situation we're in now i don't think any employer would not expect a question to come up around flexibility at the moment so for me um i would encourage you to um you know kind of ask that straight off the first interview and use it as you know curiosity and explore whether it's something that you can commit to and vice versa if they're the right company for you so i'd probably just say have the conversation and don't be afraid um yeah that's probably what i would say okay katie if i can just just quickly add to that just thinking from the employer's perspective as well um i think what i would ask the the candidate as well is what do we do when the pandemic is over you know kind of be prepared for that follow-up question to think about after the um you know abnormal situation we find ourselves in as normalized what would that look like um that's that's more what i would be interested in yeah thanks bo thanks for that um i think we've got time for one more question so um does anybody on the panel have any ideas about what leaders or businesses should be doing proactively to make people feel more at ease especially those who are struggling to balance life and work but especially um possibly that people who don't bubble things up so any advice i was i was going to talk a little bit of emotional intelligence and and empathy in leadership um you know it it's such an important quality in today's business world um as a leader to be able to um empathize with your your team with your employees in their situation um and also for leaders to be vulnerable about their own situation you know i wonder how many are trying to put on a brave face and say it's all okay when actually it's probably far far from it um so i would encourage leaders and business owners to um to to be more empathetic and start conversations and not not be frightened of them you know a human to human conversation it's gonna it's gonna win for everybody in the long run the only thing i would just add to that is you need to ask the question probably quite a few times in quite a few different ways if you've got someone who you work with who maybe is more of an introvert or may struggle show in some vulnerability i'd almost think of it like i don't know peeling back an onion you might just need to come at it a few different ways a few different times and even if they don't ever tell you for whatever reason you're reinforcing that they matter to you that they belong and that they get they are safe with you to actually tell them how they're feeling so for me i would don't shy away you know once you say someone how you're doing they go oh okay and you like go straight on to the next conversation just maybe probe a little bit deeper yeah i think absolutely right katie i think is the balance isn't there between them taking their face values about observing changes in behavior and trying different methods and approaches and i think luanne said earlier you've got to protect yourself as a leader as well because if you're doing that every single call you're exhausted by the end of the day because you've taken on everyone else's so i think you've got to pick your moments when you've got the energy the stamina the grit you know you're having a good day you hope jars fill up you know you're full of joys of life rather than whoa but also be mindful that you have to protect your own energy as well yeah thanks both uh thanks for that we are on the hour so what i'm going to say is thank you everybody for obviously joining today and there were some questions that have been posted we haven't got around to answering so what i'll do is try and collate those and get some responses sent around with our follow-up um to the webinar today so um again thank you for joining a massive thank you to philippa lucy katie and lauren for your time today i think was brilliant content and really useful tips for everybody um again just to confirm part of a follow-up we will be including a handout which does provide a number of well-being mental health resources and to help and support you um through this time um i know i've taken an a4 page of notes here about things um from all the tips that you've mentioned again the hope jar you know hunt the good stuff um you know seeing the positives and everything and just helping ourselves i think that's a really good thing but like i said there's so many to take away um thank you all for your attendance and like i said i will send a follow-up to everybody with a copy of the recording uh for everybody to view this as well so thank you for your time today and um yeah have a good rest of your day just uh very very quickly uh matt be remiss of me not to say a huge huge thank you to you to yourself uh for pulling all of this together i think you actually shared with us before uh before we kicked off today that uh well 12 months ago um the pair of us didn't really know what a webinar was and now you've uh you've gone on and presented 157 i think you see 157 today across our entire international zone so a huge huge thank you to you um massive thank you to our very own katie as well um i think when we presented this back in um in the summer this was very much an alien concept of like working from home and home schooling and whatnot but i think the content that you've pulled together has been absolutely absolutely fantastic and so many takeaways for us and then uh to our very very special uh panelists i mean philippa as a chartered psychologist i'm i'm sure you're very much in demand at the minute with kind of mental health very much on the agenda so uh thank you ever so much for spending the time um lucy with the breadth of your skills across kind of career coaching team coaching and child coaching you really are the kind of covid swiss swiss army knife so uh i know how busy uh busy you are as well so thank you ever so much and then uh lowen you know you know one of one of my own clients there you know group fd for one of the fastest the most exciting and the only brand to have with the uh with your g t tonight um i think uh some of your insight on how you manage the five year or one year old whilst maintaining the growth of that business has been superb so uh thank you ever so much and thank you to everyone that tuned in and stay uh stay kind of posted on on the very next webinar that will get out to you very very soon but yeah thanks everyone and uh enjoy the rest of your day thanks steve thanks everyone goodbye everyone
Coping with parental guilt
Trying to juggle learning how to work and home can add more pressure and responsibility during a time which is already stressful enough. Lucy recommends trying to be realistic and compassionate with yourself regarding what’s achievable on a daily basis.
The best way to cope with guilt around being working parents is to remember how resilient children are. Release unhelpful thinking patterns around guilt by recognising that everyone is simply doing the best they can.
You can also connect with your child’s school and share your concerns with them, particularly if you feel you need more support in terms of daily structures.
“One of the techniques we've used at home with our children is to almost compartmentalise when we do talk about the things that are worrying us and challenging us,” says Lucy. “So, for my son who's eight, we talk about what’s in our worry jar each morning. Then we can put the lid on it and look forward to a more positive day.”
Striking the balance between work and family care
Under the current circumstances, having flexible working arrangements can help you support your family. Communicating with your employer and arranging flexible working hours can help distribute the home care workload more evenly.
“Be organised and plan ahead,” says Louan. “I book out slots in my diary a couple of weeks in advance when the kids have Zoom classes to attend.” He also recommends batch cooking, so you can freeze meals and save yourself time later in the week.
“Use the weekends wisely to properly rejuvenate and get ready for the week ahead. It's really important to try and break the work cycle. Try not to work and just focus on getting your mind and your body ready for the week that starts again.”
For Katy, the best way to cope with overwhelm is to release the idea of perfection and simply be okay with ‘good enough’. Things are tough enough without the need to strive for being the perfect parent, employee or partner.
Dealing with an uncompromising employer
Some professionals may find themselves facing the fear of being denied the flexible working arrangements they need in order to strike a manageable life balance.
“I worked for somebody quite recently who decided that in lockdown three, she just didn't think she could manage supporting her three children and working,” says Lucy. “The work we did was around building confidence about having that conversation and how she would manage it.” If your employer can’t grant that initial request, what might the compromise be? How can balance be achieved?
Louan recommends being honest and upfront with your employer and colleagues about what you can realistically deliver. “I've had to deal with these conversations myself within a team of 30 people. It’s often a case of ‘Wow, I didn't actually realise the amount of stress that individuals are under.’” You could potentially ask to be put on furlough, although this should be used as a last resort and is at your employer’s discretion.
Facing the challenges ahead
The impact of the pandemic on the public’s mental health is significant and is expected to be long-lasting. “I think we're looking at a mental health challenge beyond anything anyone on the planet has ever seen,” says Philippa.
“If we look back at SARS, and if we look back at 9/11, and Chernobyl, what did we learn from that? Well, there's one common theme from those disasters — all of them had a really significant tale of mental health needs, that continued long after the acute event had resolved.”
There’s been a spike in mental health conditions like PTSD, depression, bereavement, anxiety and disordered eating, and exacerbations for people already suffering from these. Philippa recommends vigilance regarding changes in eating, sleeping or mood, in yourself and in those around you.
“When it comes to thinking about other people, now is the time to be much more proactive than we usually might be. This is about needing to ask questions of how people are. So be bold in doing that.”
On the home front, Lucy recommends using a Blob Tree communication tool to get children talking about their feelings. “It gives you a starting point to get our young people talking and trying to find ways of helping them express what might be going on for them.”
Developing resilience
Grit and resilience are built on two key things: how we think about the things that happen to us and how we respond to the things that happen to us. Both are skills you (and younger family members) can learn over time.
“If you display resilient behaviours and thinking processes, you are role modelling those to your children. The reverse is true, too. It's important to be mindful of that. It’s exactly the same for those of you in leadership positions,” says Philippa.
To build resilient thinking skills, Philippa recommends trying to gain perspective around what you can and can’t control. Building a tolerance to discomfort is also important, as is developing a compassionate view of the world.
It’s well-known that having positive interpersonal communications, regular exercise, enough sleep and learning to be mindful can help build resilient behaviours. Philippa also recommends working to your own circadian rhythm if you can.
“We have times in the day where we know that we've got slightly more energy and times in the day where we struggle to stay awake. If you’re able to flex your work schedule, do your detailed work at times in the day that you've got the most energy and make the most of your circadian rhythm.”
Constant doomscrolling and negative social media content can counteract any resilience work you’re doing. Be mindful of how much content you consume and, if necessary, remove it from your day. “I think you just need to be mindful of putting your mind in this constant negative space and try and avoid that where you can,” Louan says.
Finding ways to keep your personal goals in sight
Whether they’re fitness goals, career goals or personal goals, the pandemic doesn’t have to take all progression off the table. Although some goals may be unrealistic under the current circumstances, you can change them or scale them back to give yourself a sense of personal achievement.
“There’s nothing more demoralising than trying to work towards something that's just not achievable,” says Lucy. “Don't beat yourself up about it, let's just find something else that we find motivation in and keeps us driving forward.” You can also try breaking your goals down into smaller ‘bite-sized’ achievements to keep fuelling your personal sense of progress.
Visit YouTube to watch more webinars or see our blog for more advice on remote working, life balance and career management.
